Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication - by Marshall Rosenberg #

Date Read: 2023-04-18 #

Notes #

Not sure how this book can be applied on a practical basis. Interesting portion on self-compassion.

Components of NVC

  1. observations - separate observation from evaluation
  2. feelings - separate feelings from thoughts, judgements
  3. needs - sense the feelings and needs in self and others.
  4. requests - through positive action language, state what we are requesting, rather that what we are not.
    • ask for a reflection to check if the message was received correctly.
    • look out that they comply willingly. Else, it is a demand.
  • Express honestly through the four components
  • Receive emphatically through the four components

Empathy #

Feel and listen to what others are experiencing, without giving advice or reassurance. Listen for the four components with reflecting, paraphrasing.

  • ask before offering advice or reassurance
  • listen for what people need
  • reflect messages which are emotionally charged
  • no “buts” with an angry person

We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt.

Giving self empathy #
  • scream nonviolently
  • take time out

Self-compassion #

Avoid shoulding yourself!

Self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.

Connect with the feelings and unmet needs stimulated by past actions we now regret.

  • embrace your needs and values over self judgement
  • change “have to” to “choose to”, being aware of the need it serves

Be conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or approval, and by fear, shame, or guilt. Move towards satisfying a sense of duty

Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong.

Anger #

The cause of anger lies in our thinking—in thoughts of blame and judgment.

Use anger as a wake-up call.

Steps to expressing anger:

  1. Stop. Breathe.
  2. Identify our judgmental thoughts.
  3. Connect with our needs.
  4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.

Offer Empathy First

Conflict Resolution #

Avoid the use of language that implies wrongness.

Intellectual analysis is often received as criticism.

Criticism and diagnosis get in the way of peaceful resolution of conflicts.

The limits of punishment #

Question 1: What do I want this person to do?

Question 2: What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing it?

Appreciation #

Express appreciation to celebrate, not to manipulate.

  1. the actions that have contributed to our well-being
  2. the particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled
  3. the pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs